Rise and Fall...

I look through my window and see the green leaves under pretty spring afternoon.I see young boys cycling down the lane , screaming,shouting ,their cheeks red with all the excitement. I hear the chitter-chatter of little girls in their pigtails ,the laughters ,the giggles ,the barking dogs . I try reading today's newspaper but I can barely tell an O from a P . My eyesight like my legs have given up on me .

My next door neighbour is this young girl.She always looks at me and smiles. I think she wants to help me but is too scared.Maybe she thinks that I will misunderstand her fondness for me as sympathy.Little does she know how empty and lonely I am .

Everyday I wake up in the morning and look outside my window.Everyday is the same. The same tree , the same sounds ,the same house ,the same little room that I have been given to die a slow death.I try to move and I can barely move.I slowly slide my left leg down the bed on my left ,roll myself up and with my left hand I try to get up from the bed.My legs ache. The pain is part of my life. My breath is so shallow now. I manage to get myself to the kitchen and make myself a cup of tea.I always forget where the sugar is put on the kitchen shelves and end up with a sugarless cup of tea .
After struggling with the papers for a couple of hours , I am ready to step out.I search for my walking stick and my leather cap.Each time I look at it , I remember my days back in Moscow. There is always some sort of excitement in being footloose and carefree.I still remember the first time I had touched snow, the first time I had hit the sea in the Bahamas, swam in it with the current pulling me down .
Sea has always inspired me. The waves are like your life-the experiences , the excitement , the adventure , love and the current is always trying to pull you down but somehow we manage to swim over , above it and continue to flow . Sea has soul.It has life. Oh how I wish someone could take me to the beaches.

I wish I had never left my job back in Moscow to come back home. I wonder where all my friends went away. My old roomie...he was such a funny guy.I was always the nerd and he always used to say that I should loosen up and laugh , enjoy life , enjoy what is 'now'. But I was always busy in getting my grades right , the right score , the right things so to say . Amidst all these so called achievements , I missed that trip down the rapids and the camps into the wilderness.And that girl who used to live down the road with those pretty eyes ,I won't lie but I have often wondered how my life would have been different had I married her.I knew she liked me but I never let that liking develop into anything more. Everything was always about me and all the things that I always did were those that were expected from me. Never did I know my real self.

Time is ticking away. The sun rises and sets everyday.Life moves on .Days are short and nights are long. Every night I watch the stars from my window .I think about my life , my past and what my life would have been had I lived it for myself , had I been fearless ...

Well...I can't even say that I have learnt so much because for that I need another life.