Her Story...

The alarm rang for the third time.Hesitantly,she got out of bed and then decided that just maybe she could manage to sleep for another ten minutes. Ten minutes sleep in the morning is the best sleep ever .

She closed her eyes and dozed off to sleep .

When she looked up again , she couldn't believe her eyes . It was half past ten and she was late. LATE...again . All these years Shelly had struggled to be on time but somehow she was always late . She was late for her interview , she was late in meetings , she was late for those early winter morning walks in lodhi gardens back in Delhi ,she was also late when she gave birth to her son (late by 2 weeks).

And if that was not enough ,she was also late in understanding things , in realizing the consequences of her actions. She enjoyed living in the moment and she took pride in having lived through her past. So much was the fun of living life this way that she, at times forgot the role the present plays in shaping one's future .

Gypsy looked up at her . It was the same disappointed look she would give her whenever she was late . Gypsy , their labrador was one of her most prized possessions -second best after her three year old son .

Shelly was a cheerful person during the day . But as the sun would set , her heart would start sinking . Everything would come back to life in her memories. She would lay still for hours in her bed every night and would just think about those times . Sometimes she would try to distract herself . She did everything she could. Prayed to God , listened to music , watched television , read books,spent time with gypsy,with her son . All this seemed to work but only temporarily.

Now she hated herself especially in the nights. She was tired -physically,mentally. A lot of times she wanted to give up and just talk about all this with someone but then each time her son would sleep in her arms ...she realized how important it is for her to keep herself going.

She had grown to like the person she had married. He did everything right for her . Deep down , Shelly knew that it was not him but her who was holding herself back...who even after trying for years couldn't love him the way she had once loved.
Despite all her shortcomings , he cared for her and she silently thanked God that she had him .She knew how difficult it was to live with a person like her -A person who was emotionally bruised and battered .

A few years back , her friends told her it was a matter of time . She believed all that and told herself that time has to heal all wounds .Hers too , would heal.She believed that she would be kicking and laughing all over again .

And now after almost fifteen years , she did laugh .She went for parties , had a social life -a small one ,she did everything she had to to move on . At one point , when the memories started bothering her less....she revelled in the thought that finally she had found the closure that she was seeking for all these years .

But then all the times that she thought her life changed for good or bad..she'd remember him,she would remember his face ,his hair,his laugh -the way his eyes would shrink each time he'd laugh, his jokes and his tears too just like she did on the day she got married , the day she gave birth to her son...On days like that she would rush to the bathroom and cry .
Tears would well up in her eyes and the memories would again come back to her,to haunt her , to remind her the life she had once wanted to live but could not . The reasons were of no significance now. She had been through all that turmoil in her head a million times.

Who was right , who was wrong ,what was destined , what wasn't meant to be etc? All that and more - She had done it all . All she knew was the life she was left with and this is what mattered to her now .
The rest was something she did to tell herself how this was meant to be , how this is what God..if there is a God ...wanted her to live her life . All this helped her to cope up ,to smile , to laugh , to live...the little bit of life that was left inside her.

She looked up at the clock in her bedroom . It was 6 pm.A tear trickled down her left cheek.She had learnt to live with those tears .
The whole day , she had sat and thought about all this .

She could see the crimson coloured sky and knew that the sun had set . With the setting sun and coming of darkness , she mustered all her courage and got up from her bed to face another night -Another night of restlessness , of trying to forget and then trying to remember . She wanted to get rid of her memories and yet hold on to it .

Despite all the pain those memories had given her , she knew deep down how special she was to have lived through those and what it had brought into her life.
It made her realize now , what she had missed in this life .

With a deep sigh , she got up and wondered if there was a next life and how she couldn't wait to live that new life the way she had once dreamt of .