Everyday is a winding Road

So here I go once again... Another attempt to let go some more of my thoughts . I sometimes wonder why people would want to read what I write and why I write . What is this Blogging thing all about? People come here , write what they like for strangers to read . Perhaps it brings some sort of relief to some , perhaps someone is alone out there and is waiting to meet someone who could understand him and so he gets on the internet and searches , reads through blogs hoping to meet someone who would strike a chord with his thoughts and soul too . One of the most beautiful things about writing is that it helps connect lives and people at a level that's too sublime for the spoken word.
Hmmm.... Coming back to everyday life - Off late I have had moments of downward spirals , often felt resentful that I had to work , to wake up early and go to work , particularly when I was not enjoying many things that I was doing , when I felt compelled to do things out of a necessity but most of all when I just TIRED! There is always this issue of balancing enjoyment of your work and making money and sometimes the two just don’t intersect.(Sucks big time..doesn't it?)

But suddenly this negative feeling disappeared... Wondered why...was it because I managed to spend a reasonable amount of time with my next door neighbour's pet dog ?(She is ADORABLE!!!LOVE HER) , is it because me and some friends are planning on going to Bintang Batang(Apparently some island in Indonesia close to Singapore) , is it because I managed to spend some time with myself alone to think , to look back , to plan the present or is it because I could finally find time to read the book that my parents sent to me as my birthday present(seems quite nice...It is called The Veiled Kingdom) followed by a conversation with my mommy (Love her...HUG , HUG). I think I will never really understand what triggers my mood swings. But yesterday it started to swing toward the positive side once again and I am smart enough to know that this is temporary.
But while it’s there, the world looks sweeter. ....Deep breath ....Ahhhh...

God-Can I be a child again?

"Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer"

(That's me with Tubby-The next door dog)

Me , Myself & my Mind

I have a tendency to let people too far into my life. I guess that comes from a tendency to please all or needing to be liked especially as a child . Atleast that is what I always thought about myself. I used to think flexibility and adaption is the key to happiness . That led me to sacrifice a lot -my emotions , my desires . But now I have left all of that behind me .I am trying to . And it's hard .
Now I believe it originates out of joy of meeting people especially the like minded ones. Attractive people. I am not talking about being physically attractive per say...but what I mean is people with a beautiful , clean heart , who have the courage to live upto their passions . (and I said passions(plural) and not passion ! )

I'm not one for direct confrontation. I just hate to make other people uncomfortable. Yet I know myself and at times the minds of others. And that's a good thing. When I take the time to see who people really are, who they genuinely show themselves to be then I have the awareness and the power to set my own personal space with a larger perimeter. Or smaller as the case may be. There are those in my life who will always occupy the inner sphere, so to speak, and those that I have left behind from my personal space.
I'm fine with the choices others choose to make regarding their own lives - their space but for me at this time in my life .. I will not bend unless it is my choice and I truly, absolutely feel compelled to do so.

"Jaane Woh Kaise Log The Jinke Pyar Ko Pyar Mila
Humne To Jab Kaliyaan Maangi Kaaton Ka Haar Mila
Bichhad Gayaa Har Saathi Dekar Pal Do Pal Ka Saath

Isko Hi Jeena Kehte Hain To Yunhi Ji Lenge Uf Na Karenge
Lab See Lenge Aansoo Pee Lenge
Gham Se Ab Ghabraana Kaisa Gham Sau Baar Mila Humne To Jab..."

--Jane Woh Kaise Log The from the movie Pyaasa

You Live...You Learn

I have to write about this one day in my life that taught me so much. I do understand that we all see life through our own filters , each with a different perception .However there are few things that binds us all together-Love.Humanity.
A few years back when I lived in the cosy and sheltered environment of JNU in New Delhi ..I met a little girl called Nikita. Her mother was a cook and father was jobless at that point in time. This cute , little angel would play in the sun and on my walk from the bus stop to home..I always saw her mother screaming at her . I loved the way..she would look at her mother during these times with a straight face as if she was going to listen to her and do as she said .Everyday was the same story.
Atleast she gave her mother the comfort that she was being heard by someone.
Nikita was about 4 years old that time. I was tempted to talk to her and so I grabbed the first opportunity I got. I asked her where she lived and her answer made me feel so foolish.She replied to my by sayin-'ghar mein'!What a silly question to ask a 4year old.
Well anyway..a few weeks later..Nikita started visiting my home.She would often point out me to her friends. Ah....that made me feel so important !
And then one day on her third or fourth visit...she asked me for some milk and bread. She was hungry.I was more than happy to watch her eat with so much interest.It was such a treat...just watching kids can be so much fun!
What happened next completely shook my being...
As soon as she finished eating she looked at me and askedme for a cloth.A CLOTH !!???? Perhaps to wipe her mouth..is what you would think..just as I did back then. But wait..her face was so clean with no signs of any food anywhere .I asked her why she needed a cloth of all things?!
Her reply left me speechless.With the most innocent and honest face...she looked up at me and said-'kapda de do.Safai kar doongi' .....
I could feel the ground beneath my feet shake. I just stood there stunned and with a thud I landed on the chair and stared blankly at her while she just smiled.
She was 4 years old..just 4...and she felt that she owed me something because I fed her with milk and bread!!
How on earth could this happen?! A four year old girl wants to return me a favour that she thinks I did for her...as if she was ready to let anyone use her the way they wanted to...just because they gave her something that she wanted.I didn't know whether to hug her ,hold her that time and tell her...that it's a big wild world outside...with people who would love to meet people with a heart and mind such as hers'...who would readily,without a thought take advantage of a girl like her. And yet something in me told me that this girl had so much self respect,so much character , so much morality....
What is this world coming to? Ordinary kindness, love,politeness , morals are things that are easily laughed at and forgotten whereas fights,hatred,treacherousness,disloyalty comes so easily to us.Why people with a loving heart and fearless enough to show it are misunderstood so easily.Why must we look for a reason to love one another when the real reason to search for is why we cannot love so easily anymore?
Didn't the man up there create mankind to be the most superior race because he gave us a heart which could love and feel?
Sigh...
A song that would put together how I felt back then and how I am feeling right now while writing this post-

'Imagine all the people living life in peace...
Imagine no possesions,I wonder if you can,No need for greed or hunger
A brotherhood of man,Imagine all the people sharing all the world...
You may say I'm a dreamer,but Im not the only one,I hope some day you'll join us,
...And the world will live as one.'
-John Lenon(Imagine)

Yeh Jo Desh Hai Mera

I have been listening to this song in the movie Swades in the loop... . I have always loved this song from the time I heard it . Somehow this song manages to bring a tear or two in my eyes . There is something so special in the music , in the lyrics that touches your soul . ...Yeh Jo Desh Hai Mera , Swades hai tera..Tujhe Hai Pukaara..Yeh woh bandhan hai jo kabhi toot nahi sakta..Mitti ki hai jo khushboo...tu kaise bhulayega..Tu Chahee Kaheen Jaye...tu laut ke Aayega....
Now what do you say to a song like that especially when you hear it sitting in a country that is not your own . I believe in being a citizen of the world and all that...but yet 'Indianess' is something that is within me , in ever cell of my body , it runs through my viens and flows into my heart , my mind . Gosh ! India , India .
I often sit back and wonder what is it about India , what is Patriotism ? What does it mean to me ? I am still discovering , still exploring ...Let me try to define what India means to me , what this song does to me each time I hear it(And yes I have heard it a lot of times..already!)

The growing up years-Modern School where I studied... introduced me to the world of glam and the style -being modern so to say.Studying in Modern School itself brings a sense of superiority in you .The blue uniform which is so set apart from the white coloured uniforms in other schools. I grew up most of the times thinking that I was 'cool' because I went to Modern School. And then in the last few years in that school...did I realize that all that and more was such bullshit.Being modern, style,attitude had a different meaning now. I realized how my parents,my upbringing still stuck with me .
My family ,my parents introduced me to a different world...the world that is still such an integral part of me . Thank you ma n Pa.
As a teenager...being an Indian only meant to support India during India-Pak matches ,to cheer for India and make sure people heard me too(as I am from a muslim family) to make a point to my friends that I am equally an Indian at heart . And support India whenever there was a tension with Pakistan ...the not so recent Kargil episode. What a sheer waste is what I say to all that now.
India with its myriad colours,cultures ,an amazing history ,such a beautiful heritage and how little do I know of it to understand it fully.
Like Iqbal wrote-
"Sare jahan se acha...Hindustan hamara.
Hum bulbule hain iski..Do gulistaan hamara
gurabat mein ho agar ham, rahataa hai dil vatan me.
n samajho vahii. n hame. n bhii, dil ho jahaa.

Sare jahan se acha...Hindustan hamara.
Hum bulbule hain iski..Do gulistaan hamara
Godii mein khelatii hain, jisakii hazaaron nadiyaan.
gulashan hai jisake dam se, rashk-e-jinaan hamaaraa

Mazhab nahiin sikhaataa, aapas mein bair rakhanaa
Hindii hain ham vatan hain, hindostaan hamaaraa"

Beautiful.
This poem says it all.So much to see and feel in India, to understand it's people,the mindsets , the prejudices and the warmth that is the prized possession of every Indian. Ofcourse with time,years and experience many have developed layers over themselves that this uniqueness about them is no longer felt.Yet it is there.I know it is there in each one of us.
I think an endeavour should be to understand it first ,to feel it from your heart ,to see the real India...to know the history to really feel like an Indian.To feel the pride that every soldier who is defending our country feels , the passion that poets and writers such as Ghalib,Iqbal,Manto felt when they wrote about India or the feeling that Aamir Khan n gang felt when they raised their arms and saluted in front of the India Gate for the movie Rang De Basanti(Oh boy...what a movie! I've seen it 5 times !). It is definitely more than just cheering for your country during a cricket match much of which is played for the greed of money and fame or to support your country when its at war.
It is far beyond all that.
I am still discovering and I have miles to go before I sleep...

Dreams Unlimited

I have always had a dream to be a writer.Perhaps write a book one day . I know there are many others like me who carry such a desire in their hearts . And then I was introduced to the idea of blogging by some known and unknown friends . This is just awesome man ! You can write what you like , whenever ...whether or not you can write or not(write well so to say!)...the point is to get it all out , to speak/write your mind out , your thoughts , your innermost secrets (if you wish to) and more importantly write for yourself!
Awesome .

"I believe I can fly.
I believe I can touch the sky...I think about it every night and day, spread my wings and fly away.
I believe I can soar ...I see me running through that open door .
I believe i can fly, I believe I can fly, I believe I can fly

I was on the verge of breaking down .Sometimes silence can seem so loud there are miracles in life I must achieve but first I know it starts inside of me"
-R.Kelly(I believe I can Fly)